Is Your Partner Actually Your Person? The Compatibility Checklist

Skip the love calculator. Use this 20-point diagnostic checklist instead — built on 12 years of couples therapy to see if you're truly compatible.

I've developed this checklist over 12 years of practice. It's not romantic. It's not fun. But it's honest. The people who come to me at crisis points usually fail this checklist in the same 5-7 items. The rest of the items are fine. Those 5-7 are why they're in my office. Don't wait until you're in crisis. Use this now. --- Rate each item: ✓ Yes, ✗ No, or ~ Sometimes --- Emotional Core 1. When you tell them something vulnerable, they respond with presence — not fixing, not deflecting, just hearing you. 2. They can apologize without it feeling like pulling teeth. 3. You can disagree without your nervous system going into threat response. 4. When you're upset, they come closer instead of backing away. 5. You feel like yourself with them — not a performance, not a version of you optimized for their approval. Shared Foundation 6. You agree on money at a values level — not just numbers, but what it's for and how it gets managed. 7. You agree on at least the broad strokes of how kids (if any) would be raised. 8. You have at least one shared interest you actively make time for — not "we like Netflix," but something that engages both of you. 9. You can be bored together without it…

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