How to Argue Without Destroying Your Relationship

Arguing is not the problem. How you argue is the problem. Here is the argument architecture that survives for decades.

Couples who last for 50 years are not couples who do not argue. They are couples who have learned the architecture of arguing well. The architecture has three layers. Layer 1: The 24-hour rule. Most fights are about a triggering event, not a relationship. Tomorrow, the trigger will be different. The relationship underneath is the same. Most couples mistake the trigger for the topic. They argue about dishes when the actual topic is "you do not see the work I do." Wait 24 hours. About 60% of arguments resolve themselves, because the trigger was not the topic. Layer 2: Description, not evaluation. When you bring up an issue, describe the behavior. Do not evaluate the person. "When you come home and check your phone before saying hi, I feel like the second priority." This is fair argument. "You are addicted to your phone and you do not care about anyone" is not. Evaluation generates evaluation back. Description generates repair. Layer 3: Repair attempts. The most important predictor of a stable relationship is not how often the couple fights. It is how many repair attempts they make. A repair attempt is anything that signals "we are on the same team, even though we are arguing." A joke. A softer voice. "I know we are both frustrated." A hand on the knee.…

More from Dr. Love

• I'm a Relationship Doctor. Here's Why Most Couples Come to Me Too Late.
• The 7 Questions That Reveal If Your Relationship Will Last
• Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner — Do This Instead
• Why You Keep Dating the Same Type of Person (And How to Break the Pattern)

Browse all articles or try the free love compatibility calculator.